so in my quest to cut down my options, i’ve closed one door, and opened yet another. goodbye bioe, now where between medicine, biology, architecture? bioe is no longer what I want to do for myself, and now that i’ve recognized this… well i’m hardly better off. forcing myself to stick with bioe was forcing myself to maintain a solid future- a high career demand, a “normal” job. and although i’ve reached the point where i can admit that i’d rather be starving and creative than stuck unhappily behind a laboratory fume hood, i can’t shake the part of me that’s ashamed to walk away from the potential i had. i want people to respect me for the work i do, and although the pressure stung, i did enjoy the pride that came with “bioengineering.”
now that i’m not staring down the same depressing path, i’ve allowed myself to admit that yes- the reason i want a high paying job is so that i can afford the time and space to continue art. when people ask “what’s the most important thing in life or “what makes you happy,” without a moment hesitation, it’s “art.” but i’m too scared to try and rely on that alone to get me anywhere in life. I remember mentioning to mrs. cameron that i was considering switching to industrial design- she laughed and said, “yeah, but you want a job, right??” i laughed and agreed, but that stung. and i know that’s the reaction i’d get from others, and especially from myself. why would someone who’s doing so well in advanced science dump it all to become a lowly, unpaid artist? simply telling myself “because you’re not happy” doesn’t seem like enough to justify leaving that sort of potential.
so i know i won’t. and maybe i’ll regret it later. and i’ll try to tell myself it’s ok because people will respect me for what i’m doing, even if it doesn’t make me happy. and i guess that’s all i can do, because work isn’t supposed to make you happy, right? that’s why it’s called work?
i wish i could be like everyone else i see- who can find one thing that makes them happy without feeling like they’re cutting out and abandoning another part of their heart. if i wasn’t artistic, or i wasn’t scientific, or i wasn’t proud, or i wasn’t afraid of doing something to make me happy.
i feel like i’ve been making progress, closing the door on bioe is the hardest thing i’ve done, but i think i’ll be better for it. i’ve been reaching out and talking to people as fast as i can, shadowing, interviewing, trying to piece together my life in the next week. and i’m just waiting for that “aha” moment, to fall in love with a career or a role model or something solid in the future. i know i’m late to the party, but isn’t that what college is for?